This is your Online Date Man, and today I would like to talk to you about history. I’m going to feature 3 of the allegedly most notorious women in history. Imagine if these infamous women were online dating today, would you even try to send a wink their way? Let’s find out.
Renaissance Femme Fetale: Lucrezia Borgia (1480-1519)
Lucrezia was the daughter of a powerful Renaissance Valencian, Rodrigo Borgia. She had three brothers who loved her dearly: Cesare, Giovanni, and Geoffre. Lucrezia was of Spanish decent, and they regarded their blood-ties as almost sacred. And no matter what kind of crime was perpetrated amongst themselves, the Borgias would somehow always forgive each other.
What Makes Her Sexy?
As a Renaissance lady of rank, she was taught languages, painting, embroidery, music, etc. She was also famed for her beauty and charm. She had awesome juggs, long heavy blonde hair, a beautiful complexion, hazel eyes, and a natural grace. These were the things that made the nobles drool for her and want to nail her in bed .
Why She Should Be Avoided
Her father Rodrigo Borgia, became a Cardinal and then became his holiness Pope AlexanderVI (arguably the worst Pope in history), who continuously pimped her out to various nobles in exchange for alliance with powerful families. Once their power waned, she would divorce her husband, who eventually ends up playing harps with angels. Lucresia and pimp Pope dad would then move on to the next powerful family. As you can see, Lucrezia had no problem getting married and having the union annulled since her dad was the head of the Catholic Church. She was also accussed of having a consensual, incestuous relationship with her Pope dad and her brother Cesare who happened to be a Cardinal as well. It was also rumoured that Lucrezia had a hollow ring she frequently used for poisoning drinks. I pity the guy she didn’t like on their first date!
The Blood Countess: Erzebet Bathory (1560-1614)
Erzebet Bathory was born into the wealthiest family of Transylvania in 1560. Her ancestors were known to assist Vlad Dracule — yeah, fucking Dracula himself — during his rise to power. And as a token of the Impaler’s appreciation, her relatives became Prime Ministers, cardinals, princes, and one was even crowned King of Poland.
What Makes Her Sexy?
Besides the fact that the Bathories were extremely wealthy, she was also fixated with youth and beauty like Snow White’s evil stepmom. Erzebeth was well educated and could both read and write in four languages. She was married to Ferencz, a dude known as the “Black Knight of Hungary,” who made attending war his priority. During those times, war was considered an extreme sport and that’s where he got his daily dose of adrenaline rush.
Why She Should Be Avoided
Well, she was so fixated with youth and beauty she believed that the blood of a young maiden would make her eternally youthful and beautiful. Her quest for immortality made her hang maidens upside down, torture them, and finally, she’d skinny dip in their blood. Her other works of art included: burning or mutilation of hands (and sometimes the face), freezing to death, surgery on victims without anesthesia (most often fatal), biting the flesh off the face and other bodily parts, sexual abuse, and starving of victims (how cruel).
Erzebet is probably the muse of the Third Reich.
The Slave Butcher: DELPHINE LALAURIE (1775-1842)
Born Marie Delphine Macarty, she was the daughter of Irish immigrants who were prominent members of New Orleans High Society. She was married 3 times. Her first husband, a Spanish nobleman, died of heart failure in Havana, prolly due to too much intake of food with high cholesterol levels and smoking giant sized Cuban cigars. Her second husband was a slave trader who died due to mysterious circumstances. She then got married a third and last time to a certain Dr. Louis Lalaurie who we assume gave her access to her tools of the butcher trade.
What Makes Her Sexy?
Delphine was tall and slim with long dark hair and large dark eyes. She had a perfect complexion and was teasingly intelligent and flirtatious. Unquestionably beautiful, men fell at her feet (Literally. Remember her first two husbands?).
Why She Should Be Avoided
Hmmm… she has achievements that can give the Devil himself a boner! Madame Lalaurie was quite the busybody. Socialite by day, torturer by night. She and her husband were believed to torture their slaves in the most gruesome of ways, rivaled only by the artistry of Freddy Krueger or Hostel’s Dutchman. It was said that inside the slave quarters – which would put any Nazi concentration camp to shame – one would see buckets filled with body parts, hanging mutilated bodies (probably for Halloween decorations), slaves with sewn lips and intestines (experimenting on a super lose weight fast diet fad perhaps?), a crude way of forced sex change, and bodies being reshaped as a crab or a caterpillar (this actually made Dr. Moreau jealous).
If these women lived today and just happend to be members of an online dating site, my online dating advice to you is to pull the plug from your computer, smash it and flush the remains in your toilet, burn your house, and run, Forest, run! Other than that, have a happy weekend.
